my mother always told me
My first boyfriend told me I should become a lawyer because he could never win an argument. It seemed fitting. I liked history, politics. I went into college thinking I would be a psych professor but found I hated sitting alone in a room with numbers. I decided I liked to execute, I already knew I liked to argue. I tried to study for the LSAT but I realized I simply didn’t want to. The law interested me but it was certainly not my vocation.
My mother always told me I could never work in a restaurant. Not in a hateful way, she just knows my face. Most people, when they meet me, automatically assume I am a bitch. The conversation happens a few months later. “I was so scared of you!” - “I thought you hated me.” - “I thought you were a bitch.” I suppose I look like one, sometimes I even act like one.
When I began to work in a restaurant, I realized I didn’t want to be a lawyer. No argument would ever bring me as much joy as being able to make a family laugh, or helping kids to draw on paper plates. I realized that I could maybe be a soft person.
In my last week of work a security guard remarked that he had never seen me smile before. I had said hello to him for nearly a year, I truly had no idea I had never smiled. This moment will stick with me forever.
A lot of my life it’s just been me carrying that bitch chip on my shoulder, me being too afraid or not knowing how to prove anyone wrong. If I wasn’t a bitch, who was I? It was easier that way.
People’s perception of me used to weigh far too heavy. It wasn’t that I minded their judgement, it was more that I believed it.
I should be a lawyer simply because I am a hard person. I can never be a friendly person. I should be in a career that aligns with that tough exterior. I am not worthy of empathy or support. I am messier than those around me.
The lies we tell ourselves over time eventually begin to drown us.
The truth is, I don’t want to be a lawyer. I love to meet new people and hear their stories. I love to make others laugh. The truth is that it is my dream to have a little shop that brings people joy. I want to create a place for others to gather. I want to teach children about the world and help them grow. I want to live a quiet life where I can help others. I am not a hard person, I am a soft person. I am changing my exterior, I am becoming. I am worthy of understanding & I am only human. But I really should smile at strangers more often.
