duality of divorce

When I was 11, I noticed my father stopped coming home at night.

My sisters and I were homeschooled at the time.

So when my mother spent the school day sobbing,

That meant I was teaching and cooking dinner.

She really couldn’t leave her bed.

A few months later, I was 12.

And my sisters and I were back in school.

My father had announced the Divorce.

I asked him if it was because of the blonde lady who bought me earrings a few months ago,

He was really angry.

My father is the king of starting over.

He lived in a Wonderbread truck in California.

Competed in water ski competitions in the Ozarks,

Sold alarms, insurance, pools.

He’s always had fast cars and fancy dinners.

The duality of divorce.

—

My mother drove a decades old van,

We slept on bunk beds in a tiny apartment,

She figured out how to live again.

The cheapest meals were at Six Flags

[thanks for the season passes]

One summer we went there everyday.

My sisters loved that stupid turkey leg.

Growing up I was angry.

Why did he not take care of us?

Why did he get to eat at restaurants while we were left with frozen meals,

I wanted his life, I wanted his nice things.

My father had a constant fear of not looking good enough.

I’m too much like my father.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve slowly figured out what it is I truly want.

Someone asked me what it is I’ve learned from my mother,

The art of starting over, rather than running away,

The freedom of failure, not the fear.

My mother bought a house, she’s the top employee at her new job.

She’s got a new car, goes camping on the weekends.

My father has stayed the same in different places.

Renting cars and renting houses.

All of his friends are from the bar.

As I’ve gotten older I dream less of fast cars and fancy clothes,

I dream of a small cottage close to the waves,

filled with flowers and laughter.

I want to live a little life and live it big.

I’m not afraid of failure anymore.

I don’t want to rule the world.

I grew up in two different lives,

I’ve changed my mind about which I want,

One of them appears successful to the material world,

The other is successful in heart and soul.