binge-eating&bourbon

I had a breakthrough one night

I was binge-eating and drinking bourbon

two habits now broken

I realized,

my biggest fear is running out…

of maple syrup, vitamin C serum

of bobby pins & bananas

if I cannot get more of something

I’ll restrict it

so that the supply never dries

I did that with our love

I was afraid of running out

so I ran away instead.

—

overconsumption

if I were to buy those Trader Joe’s peanut butter cups

they would be gone within two days

I often ate not to taste

just to feel full

I drank bourbon to feel

I could only cry at night

If I had my cup of ginger tea & whiskey

I’m working on those fears

of running out

of never having enough

of not being able to feel

it really is true these all stem from childhood

my father ran out of love for my mother & me

food and field trips fell behind

my mother sobbed in the sun

my sisters choked at the dinner table and drowned at birthday parties

fifth grade me fought but she did not feel

evolve or remain