what is the condition of your soul?

hello safe space. this shall be no work of art, more of a rant.

I am so sorry it has been so long. you have been stuck on my to-do list…where you should not belong.

here are some thoughts from a book called Life’s Choices - John W. Lawrence.

The Seven Laws of the Harvest

#1 - we reap only what has been sown.

all life comes from antecedent life, for as Louis Pasteur has adequately demonstrated there is no such thing as spontaneous generation. What we reap then was planted either naturally or purposely either by God or man for either positive or negative results. We are benefactor of much for which we have been extended no labor but we enter into the labor of others. We are recipients also of the sowing of tears in the field for what others do does affect us. There is no way for us to elude it.

#2 we reap in same kind as we sow

whatever we sow, we reap; so that if we sow the good, we all reap the good. if we sow the evil, we will reap the evil.

#3 we reap in a different season than when we sow

We sow in one season; we reap in another. no harvest comes the moment the seed is planted, but it must await God's appointed time.

#4 we reap more than we sow

no fact is more significant and sobering. When we sow the wind, we reap the whirlwind. when we sow good, we bountifully received from the hand of God who is debtor to no man; for the harvest is always greater than the seed planted. If this were not the case, no farmer would plant anything.

#5 we reap in proportion as we sow

if we sow sparingly, we reap sparingly; but if we sow bountifully we reap accordingly. The more ground we sow the greater harvest we will have.

#6 we reap the full harvest of the good only if we persevere evil comes to harvest on its own. weeds grow by themselves with this is not true with the vegetables in the garden. These require much care law

#7 we cannot do anything about last year's harvest. but we can about this year's

last year as a fact of history that cannot be relived and about which we can do nothing. our concern needs to be for what we are producing right now.

--

I have been ashamed to admit how deeply I have struggled this summer. It seems to happen each time I get in a relationship, I just ignore myself and stop giving myself what I need. I am going to start fighting for myself again so I don’t repeat past mistakes again.

yesterday I nearly died. I went into anaphylactic shock but did my epi pen right away. I was at work when I ate the stupid granola bar and decided to push through. Two hours later I was in a meeting and I was so itchy and lightheaded. I decided it was my sweater that was itchy, so I put on a different jacket. 5 minutes later my entire body broke out into hives and I nearly went unconscious on the bathroom floor at work. I was so pale and my eyes were swollen ad rimmed in red. My lips were puffy and I was finally happy with their appearance. Do you know that scene with the bee stings in the Hunger Games. (I just recently binge-watched these and reread all of the books in anticipation of the movie) That was how I looked. Anyway, it was all fine. I went to the hospital and they told me the epi pen had worn off and whatever tiny piece of bar was in my system still. I threw up at the hospital for hours. I was happy because I was throwing up the chicken pot pie I had made on Sunday that I regretted making because I swore it was making me fatter…

I think it’s funny that I didn’t want to believe I needed help. I changed my shirt because I thought the itching was in my head. I laid on that bathroom floor debating whether or not I needed medical attention. I drove myself to the emergency room because I had no one to drive me. All I could think about was the last time I was lightheaded and pale-faced driving to urgent care, two years ago.

two weeks ago I baked bread on a friday night and danced around my kitchen listening to classic minute only to hate myself each time I ate it. this is definitely the worst my eating disorder has ever been, the thoughts consume me. I am not allowed to buy ice cream anymore. It never stays in my stomach for long. I have gained maybe 10 pounds since the start of the summer and I feel embarrassed to leave my house, to show up to the gym bloated. Scared to be seen the way I see myself…less than. Obviously its’s not good and I am talking about it here.

I forget that I have deadly allergies because it is so rarely that I have a reaction. The last time I did, I was driving and I didn’t stop. I need to listen to my body more. I need to take care of her, to heal her. to forgive her.

a week ago I bought a new car. all on my own. no co-signer, no one to help me bring their price down. I did it all on my own. I am very proud of myself, I know it’s a great car that will last me years. a 2018 white buick encore with 60,000 miles on it. I can car camp in the back, tow my little sailboat. It has apple car play and gets 33 MPG. I am the most excited about my Michigan license plate with a saiboat on it. I was only sad because no one could go with me to pick it up. All my best friends here have moved far away, my family is all out of state. sometimes I feel lonely but it brings me peace to know I live in michigan

a year ago I was visting michigan yearning to live here once more. God allowed that to become reality for me again, he let me come back to what I ran away from, from what I never got to finish. I still wonder why all of this came to be. I am starting to feel ready to find out.

It so strange to know that in a few years i will have a difference perspective

now that I have a buick i see them everywhere, before my own I would have told you I had rarely seen them but that could not be the truth. I see them multiple times a day and it shocks me everytime. they were there beside me, around me, all this time. what else am I not aware of? what else have I not yet taken notice of?

There is a nagging feeling in my soul. there is something I am trying to figure out, to determine what is really the truth. I have this sense that I will not know for many years. I will not try to answer the question, I will let God show me the truth.

My boyfriend told me I am his soulmate, that he thinks I am the person for him. It scared me when I didn’t feel like I could truthfully say that back. I don’t know why that is the case. he checks all of my boxes, makes me a better person in so many ways. but there is something off. I think it is that is doesn’t feel like we have the same brain. Or maybe that we have only been together in person three times. I will not try to figure it out. I will let time pass by and remain committed. That is what I have learned from the past, the true meaning of commitment.

this week I removed 500 people on instagram, people who should have never been there. some girl is dating my rapist now, I thought she knew. It makes me question it all. someone told me months ago that no one ever believed me. but the truth is if it wasn’t what I say then I would remember. then there wouldn’t be texts on my phone telling me to get away from him. I wouldn’t have had data from my Apple Watch proving my body was in distress.

I am ready to wake up again, ready to grow just as the leaves begin to fall. I am sorry for the months I forgot about you. I was in my bed anxious, doom-scrolling reddit and overconsuming in avoidance of my anxiety. I am ready to admit that I am scared for my body to be seen, I am ready to take care of myself again.

I need to focus on sowing my soul in the proper soil and caring for it as God intends for me to do so.