summertime sadness
tonight I went on my first city walk in a while. one of those walks where you notice the world looks different around you for the first time. I had my hair in a messy ponytail, wearing an oversized Cardinals t-shirt. I had a bubblegum popsicle and listened to a Beatles album. It was 81 degrees. My popsicle dribbled onto my toes and I didn’t mind.
this summer I’ve felt 19 again. I’ve been gone at least every other week since May.
An old friend from high school visited and we danced all night and went fishing in the freezing cold
Caused a little drama with a boy and his brother
Kissed a couple of funny boys & my gym crush
Snuggled w my kitty
Went jogging on the beach and thought of my grandparents
Went to Nashville
Met a boy from California
Drove a Ferrari and Lamborghini
Shot guns and drove fast
Spent time at a lighthouse w my baby cousins
Danced in a couple country bars
Saw my rapist out and didn’t have a panic attack
Hit six months sober
Jumped naked off the Leland bridge
Skinny dipped under the full moon up north on the 4th of July
Slept in a white ford f150 under the stars next to Lake Michigan with a boy named Alby who said he would marry me
Made new friends and laughed a lot
Ate 3 cheese shop sandwiches in two days
Saw my family in Florida and laughed with my sisters
Threw up every night after dinner for two weeks straight
Got an ice cream cone and ate it while joy riding on some country roads in a tan G wagon
Battled more anxiety than I have in a while
Started dating a boy who lives 2300 miles away
Fought off both the urge & opportunity to quit my job and move to Nashville
Accepted stability & decided I want to write a book
Bought a flight to Portland and booked a rental car to sleep in so I could see Mt. Hood
Went home for my sisters high school graduation
Went sailing and almost capsized with my family
Went to a few mansion parties and made new friends laugh
Enjoyed my time with my dad
Bought two pints of ice cream and made sure it came back up while it was still cold
Learned how to wake surf in Leland (I’m good)
Drank 14 cans of roasted coconut water
Spent 20 hours on Reddit in one week
Congratulated myself for how far I’ve come while acknowledging the work is not over yet
Reminisced about how a year ago I was blacking out and crying over a boy who I thought was my everything
Ate a lot of chicken and rice and eggs with yum yum sauce
Got back to my high school body and starting pushing heavier weight in the gym
Accepted that everyone has growing to do, as do I
Learned how to deepen my friendship w others and get out of my head, listened to my body
summer isn’t over yet. next week I go to Chicago, then Nashville again, then back up North. I have so much more living & learning & loving to do.
