the science of self-care

Jan 8

Title Page

“The Science of Self-Care”

ANI

Tricks to Thriving 200

School of Life

Abstract

2022 was a year full of mistakes, madness, and deep reflection. It was my first job, first city, first apartment. Finally, I could no longer blame my unhappiness on my surroundings. Realistically speaking, I wasn’t that unhappy. I made new friends in random places, I met my neighbors, I found my favorite streets and stores. I felt safer in this city of 700,000 than I ever did at my small college of 2,000. It was freeing to be unassociated, to have my name connected to nothing and no one.

I still found myself slipping into old patterns. The second I graduated college, half of my anxieties floated away like a “congratulations” balloon. I soon found those that remained would require self-reflection and a serious awakening to combat. What were my anxieties? I was uncomfortable in my body, I was afraid of failure, I was fearful of being alone. Above all, my biggest anxiety was that I would lose myself again…I wanted to develop lifelong habits that would enable me to stop myself from the endless cycle of depression, a solution that doesn’t involve moving states. (I was on my third). Before this moment, I had always dreamed of the next thing to fuel my happiness, the next escape, the next life I could build to forget my mistakes and fears.

I think my biggest breakthrough came from a discussion about attachment styles with a friend over lunch. I remembered this unit from my freshmen year psychology courses. I filled out the questionnaire, winding up with a big fat “anxious-attachment style”. I wasn’t surprised by this but what did surprise me was that I recalled being “avoidant” in my freshman year responses, reminding me how seriously out of touch with my true self I had been for so long.

I immediately created a document titled, “Healing Myself,” and did some research. I was shocked at how many of my relationship patterns and internal monologues were listed out. A big one was a hyper-focus on communication with others, such as tracking texting styles and other acts of communication. The second I felt like someone’s habits towards me changed, my fear of abandonment would be triggered, which wasn’t healthy for anyone in the situation. Another unhealthy pattern was, rather than facing my mistakes or fears, I often blacklisted the place or the people in order to move on. I never really faced any of it and would easily remove them from my life. I used to think that was strength.

I learned a fear of abandonment can cause self-abandonment. When I fall in love with someone, I stop taking care of myself. I become dependent on them to take care of me, to prove that they won’t leave me. I stop working out, I stop writing, I stop sitting with myself. When you stop taking care of yourself, you grow resentful, then you project that resentment onto others. I’ve already convinced myself that you are going to leave so I use any action to justify that belief so that I feel in control of that situation. These words come from this article but I have written in my own perspective. When I read this paragraph I felt like every relational mistake made sense. I felt like I finally understood myself and had the tools to figure out how to fix it.

It’s really hard to admit these things to yourself. To see your behaviors written out in articles, to understand how deeply you’ve shut down yourself and others. I have always felt like a mostly confident person. To understand the reality that you are insecure and deeply afraid of being unloved is not a fun feeling to sit with. But I choose to sit alone and to sit in silence. I choose to heal myself.

Admission and understanding is one thing, but putting in the work is another.

Introduction

I decided I wanted to face my fears of being out of control, of running out of time, of running out of love. I had always been a girl with a plan. That plan was constantly changing. I decided I was doing it backwards, that in order to be truly present in life I could not be so focused on my life being better in whatever future I desired in that moment.

I decided I wanted to live my life bottom-up rather than top-down. I would take whatever changes came and build up from there, rather than working towards goals I wasn’t even sure were my own. I would find myself in the mess, I would clean up my life and wipe away every bucket of paint I had dumped on my past selves. I was covered in camouflage, drowning in so many perceptions of who I was and what I could be. I decided 2023 was the year I would heal my inner child, that I would go back to who I was before all the pain began.

So with that, I created another document, “Happy&Healthy - How to be Me”. I wanted to reflect on what habits made me feel alive, what food makes my body happiest, what movements help me release my emotions. It was a plan yes, a plan on how to stay me no matter what. A guide for how to be my best self.

The thesis: If I listen to my body and soul and develop lifelong healthy habits, it will be hard to lose myself to the cycles of depression.

Methods

Data collection - pausing every time I feel good - and adding those aspects to my document.

I feel good when I stop in to see Sam at the corner store. I feel good when I get to watch my neighbor’s boys and act silly with them. I feel good when I move my body and sweat everyday. I feel good when I get to stop at Trader Joe’s on the way home. I feel good when I walk for 30 minutes. I feel good when I leave my apartment in the sunlight. I feel good when I build the perfect Spotify playlist. I feel good when I curate a Youtube playlist to help me learn a skill. I feel good when I make a stranger smile or make a new friend. I feel good when I find a new street with pretty houses. I feel good when I stand in museums and study history or admire the gifts people have shared with the world. I feel good when I eat a banana for breakfast. I feel good when I drink tea while a candle burns. I feel good when I go to church. I feel good when I write. I feel good when I am super organized. I feel good when I do RDLs and run a mile. I feel good when I sit in the sauna. I feel good when I make a home within myself. I feel good when I take good photographs. I feel good when I don’t pick at my skin. I feel good when I get to laugh with others. I feel good when I can cross things off a list. I feel good when I give my anxieties up and have faith in God.

Results

When I feel anxious I consult this list. There have been a few days out of the blue I was shaky and stressed at work. I was confused because nothing had happened. I consulted my list and decided it was because I had not been to the gym in two days. I am not an outwardly emotional person, they are all deep inside. Trauma lives in the body and the best way for me to feel like myself is to move my body. Movement helps me process my emotions, sweating makes me feel proud of my body. I went to the gym after work and felt great again the next day. That helped me see another old pattern released - I used to feel sad and weak and I wouldn’t leave my bed. I would convince myself if I went to the gym I would feel worse. Then I never went again. Now I know I just need to get myself to the building and I can do something as simple as stretching in public. I cannot let myself get away with hiding.

Discussion

Overall I have learned that it is truly mindset over matter. If I tell myself I cannot do something, that becomes reality. If I tell myself I won’t go out because I’ll feel anxious, I become scared to live my life. Then it all fades from there. I have to face my fears. If I am anxious at one event, it doesn’t mean that that feeling will last, it doesn’t mean next time I won’t be stronger. I don’t want to run or hide any longer. I am accepting that not all feelings are facts. I am learning how to exist.

A quote that stood out to me during this time was about discipline. How are the habits you have today helping you get to your goals? Are you committed to your goals or do you just like the idea of them?

All of this reflection has led me to my goals for 2023. I will be disciplined. I will acknowledge there is work I can do each day to be a better person. I want to learn to play the piano, I want to read 75 books, I want to eat the best for my body and brain. I want to write, and to reflect. This blog is a big way for me to accomplish that. I want to talk to one stranger a day, I want to learn new skills. I am leaving the victim and scarcity mindsets that I held for so long. I am going fully sober so that I truly have to face myself every single day.

(refer to blog post “Cave Girl Aesthetic,” honestly most of them are built around this theme currently!!)

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References

ARTICLES:

Tend To Feel Insecure In Relationships? This Is Your Attachment Style

https://psychcentral.com/health/anxious-attachment-style-signs#recap

https://www.attachmentproject.com/blog/anxious-attachment/

Anxious Attachment Style: How It Develops & How To Cope

BOOKS:

The Mountain Is You: Transforming Self-Sabotage Into Self-Mastery

How to Do the Work: Recognize Your Patterns, Heal from Your Past, and Create Your Self

PODCASTS: