top of the Rockies (stadium)
I just spent five days alone in colorado.
a pilgrimage of sorts
to the grave of buffalo bill
I drove the route I took in 2021, nearly 3 years ago
I saw elk, big horn sheep, moose, coyotes
I hiked 60 miles
one of those hike took 6 hours, had me saying my affirmations
10,000 feet, 25 mph wind at the top
holding onto trees and to my hat for safety
i slept in my car, in 20 degrees and 2 inches of snow next to the continental divide
my ex boyfriend texted me...happy one year
a year ago I was naive and immature
three years ago I was broken and insecure
----
this year I have finally begun to feel some peace
I feel this is the year I have entered womanhood, resist though I may
I feel I am close to accepting it, the quiet life
the past few months have been a blur
waking up from a hibernation
another extraction from a relationship that wasn't meant for me
I handled this one properly...didn't immediately ache for the one
it took a couple of days to right myself
I tried to avoid the blanket of dry ice, an ego boost, a distraction from the stabbing pain I felt from that night
---
this is part I
we will find one another when we are ready
----
I recently drove home, 7 hours south through the fields and farms
I felt sad about the breakup, angry about the one who tried to get me off track
I am angry I fell for it, despite being so clear about who i was and what I wanted
Perhaps it was simply another failed test
it's clear, he is not the one either
this might be the only time I have left in my life to be alone
this could be the only time I have to grow
to become the person, the wife, the mother I want to be
----
I was up in leland a few weeks ago
I met a jeweler who is casting a ring about my life story
I wrote on the sand at a park along grand traverse bay
we went to a winery and I remember making eye contact with your piercing blue eyes as we laughed at something we only understood
you invited us to your cottage that night
we played cards and asked questions
talked about jim harrison and the mountains, lake Michigan
you were a history major who wants to understand the world and travels alone
you do all of the things I would want my husband to, ask all the questions I want to be asked
you changed your flight for a few more hours
the fire is dying now, its 4am
the northern lights have disappeared, we missed them again
as we climb into bed I hear the birds chirping and the sun shining through the pines
---
as I drove back home that morning I sobbed for the first time in months
I stayed strong in my boundaries, was clear, said who I was
I cried because it has been so long since I was able to be that strong
to resist the pressure
of failure of rejection of ruining what could have been at the expense of who I was
I cried because I felt closer to who I was in 2020 than ever before, that confidence i once held that I have been fighting my way back to ever since
---
my flight was delayed 16 hours so I took a train to the city
paid 30$ to leave my bags in a strangers van
bought a 9$ ticket to sit at the top of the rockies stadium and catch a baseball game
I drank 2$ draft coors light and had mayonnaise with my fries
i watched the sun go down over the peaks to the west and the couple sharing a funnel cake a few seats down
kids played around in the stands
wild how unaware they were to be living my dream
I still want to move to colorado
