finally dancing on my own

New Year’s Eve

Dancing on the disco floor

Black heels tapping

Glittery dress flapping

I realized I was dancing

Without a drink in my hand

The floor didn’t feel like sand

I wasn’t going to sink or suffocate

For years I was on fire

Walking across a room

I felt like a vampire in the sun

Skin sparkling hot with shame

My sister spun me around

Within my soul I had been found

This year was going to be different.

——

There have been a few moments this past year where I have noticed myself relaxing. Closing my eyes while they shampooed my hair, dancing without care. Waiting in line no longer felt like people were watching me, waiting for me to make a fool of myself.

I used to find myself in the corners of rooms.

Arms crossed over my stomach.

The entire time I would be burning with the urge to flee.

I hated feeling like people were looking at me.

The ironic part is…

I would wear glittery eyeshadow,

Purple and teal eyeliner,

I would spend hours on my makeup.

I would give speeches on holidays and overshare at parties.

I was always trying to hide.

But at the same time I wanted to be seen.

A walking contradiction.

I wouldn’t make eye contact with people in public.

I would never smile at strangers.

I wouldn’t order something on a menu I couldn’t pronounce.

Saying thank you in a group made me sweat.

Never would I ever walk down the aisle to the restroom on an airplane.

I’ve been fighting myself my entire life.

Finally I feel safe enough to smile at all the little girls like me,

To tell them I love their makeup.

To show them that they are seen.

——

For many months of my life I have felt a pressure to live a certain way…

I need this job to prove I couldn’t have made a different choice.

I want to be a crazy party girl to convince myself I want this city life.

Regret rotted inside me all along

—

Presently my life feels like an invitation to a house party.

1111 C st NE, Washington D.C.

Be there at 8! BYOB

You walk in the door knowing there are people for you there,

Searching,

Brought a bottle of cheap champagne.

I know there is a plan for me

I got lost along the way,

The map in my mind was messy,

I went down a few extra blocks,

But I know somewhere near,

There’s a home for me.

Laughter & lights pour out

My people are inside.

This is a party I’m looking forward to

——

to remain in the present

    to close my eyes

       to show up alone to the party

If you love something set it free

& I am just learning to love me.

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