mourning in may

A letter to myself:

I must admit that the past few weeks I have begun to struggle. Not as much as with my routine or my goals but with my focus. I have been sinning. I have been praying a little less. The root of the problem is my desire to be loved. I have been focusing far too much on boys and men and that adrenaline rush that developing feelings for someone brings. The reality is that this is all a distraction. If anything it is a test. The fact that the people I have been interacting with are not bringing me closer to God is all that I need to know. They are likely not the right people and I have not been making the right decisions.

There’s something so addicting about learning about a person’s brain. I always have so many questions, and in the beginning there are so many answers. It’s so easy to romanticize the image, the ideal of a person. To trust that they are who they say they are. Oftentimes, this is not the case. Few people are disciplined enough to live into the reality of their words, to lean into the promises they make to themselves and others. I am working hard to be that person now.

At work, we pray often. Most days I am inspired to be a better person. I am certain, to my core, that this is where I am meant to be.

Today at work I pulled up my blog and I pulled up a recording of my hometown church. I looked down at the date. 5/11. I remembered. and I sat with it. I sat with the decision I made, the choice that I regret. I acknowledged my sin. I asked for forgiveness.

May is such a beautiful month in Michigan. The flowers are finally blooming, the leaves have at last appeared in all of their green glory. The breeze smells of Earth.

I promised you that I would mourn you in May. I promised myself that I would not lose you.

With this, I challenge myself to make the hard choice to continue to be alone again. To continue to pour into myself, so that I will soon be able to pour into others…

I forgive myself, or I will soon.

Love,

ANI