EGO DEATH
Someone I loved once admitted I was a disaster,
They told me things they never had,
Things I should have known,
Things I needed to grow.
I’ve always been the opposite,
My tongue has never been in cheek,
[because it would cut me too]
I criticize, I complain
I am clear.
I am clear about the world I want to see and who I want to be.
[in my case it is control issues]
That perception rains down on others too,
I never saw it as damaging as I have now realized,
I always thought people would tell me what I needed to hear too.
It turns out no one really has,
I am so tall and loud,
Living in my own head,
Even if they were to shout,
It wouldn’t reach me.
I silence others with my voice.
To finally understand that your power causes pain
[ego death]
What to do next? Who shall I became?
I have always been trying,
When I speak in the moment it is not to inflict pain.
Never is it my goal to bruise someone’s soul,
To accept that your hands have become bloody,
That your voice does not sing the same song as your heart,
it’s enough to rip you apart.
—
The day I fully gave myself over to His plan
I was still trying, I was still controlling, I was still writing my story,
[I thought I was listening]
In a space of two days the ink had run dry,
Two days left in a year that
I had finally woken up in.
—
Heartbreak this time felt more like a bruise,
It was silent.
There were no tears.
I woke up from the pain.
5AM 6AM again and again,
I dreamt for the first time in a while.
I took melatonin to sleep at 9.
I guess I was still afraid of the night.
—
I’ll found out in the future if this is me shoving down my emotions,
That’s always what happens. I feel fine. I know deep inside there is pain but I can’t feel it. I listen to music and try to cry. I’ll walk for miles and miles.
Few of my heartaches have been raw or surface level,
Bone bruises,
Deep inside that spread to my mind.
I’m always fine.
For a time
I try and I try
Then slowly I am so bruised I can no longer move. I can’t leave my bed. I can’t hear music. I can’t sit in silence. I become numb. I am truly so weak that I cannot lift a pen to write.
So many people in my life have been left with that impression of me
I am terrified of that happening again.
It’s been an endless cycle my entire life,
I’ve never been able to stay myself for more than a few months.
I forget her,
I succumb to the pain,
It’s easier to delete social media,
To disappear.
To be a bitch.
To drink to feel that unprocessed emotion.
But this time I’m sober.
This time I have a list of things that make me me.
I won’t forget.
I will keep writing.
—
2022 was the first year something clinically traumatic did not happen
I wish I was exaggerating,
Although I don’t remember 0-3 so it could have been fine.
But holy shit.
It’s been hard to survive,
Everyone in my family has tried to die.
It started with my mother, then spread like a wildfire.
Sometimes twice a year,
Dry trees exploding,
One after the other
I’ve been only to the edge,
I’ve devised the story & the plans.
But I realized I was only there because it felt like the perfect ending. It’s true. Some people don’t survive.
But I think I am meant to.
—
The waves of life have pummeled me so hard and so often,
Beaten into the shore,
Sand castles fading,
Sailboats splintering.
For a long time I blamed the weather.
Why would God do this to me?
Why would he send all of these storms?
One day I finally realized,
I am the captain of my ship.
I am in control of the sails.
The rope might burn my hands,
But I can change the course.
